Actually, I'm really trying to still understand what it is* to be bisexual - or gay - if that doesn't sound weird....

I know that ever since I was in elementary school, I really liked girls - preferred them over guys. I didn't even know what being gay was back then and I just let my weird dreams of kissing girls drive by as 'my brain acting weird.' But that was ten years ago, and I'm 17 now. :\

When I got older I literally looked around at guys and thought 'There! I have to be interested in him! Everyone else is!' But the thing was that I just wasn't. It's true that when I watch television and see guys on television I think, well that guy is nice looking, but once I start to think sexual I grimace. I think sex with guys is gross - I don't know - the sound of it grosses me out - I wouldn't want to experience it....

I really started thinking about this around a year ago... because I tried to make myself have a relationship with a guy but by the time he actually started coming around I realized that I was an idiot trying to force myself into a relationship I didn't want. I simply felt obligated to being in a relationship with a guy like my friends.

But I do find myself really liking and checking out other girls in my classes and looking at my friends different... and I feel bad because I can't help it... and if I come out it might really hurt my future career! I have NO IDEA what would happen and it scares me.

I have no idea what I am... I'm still getting over that I like girls and I don't think I can jump right out and say 'I'm gay' - I would prefer to stick with bisexual until I warm up to this idea.